guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
