Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
