An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
