she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize