I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We are all done wearing pants today
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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