Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize