You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
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