I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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