Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
