I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He did a backflip because drugs
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
