If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I could make wine with my vomit
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
