First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize