if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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