So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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