The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
