What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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