True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
