Apparently you make a good broom.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
