I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
