I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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