im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize