nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Come on in and take your pants off
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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