By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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