I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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