90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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