Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
