Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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