and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
