i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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