He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
