I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
