I'm so fucking centered right now
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
