I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
