The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I am available for nakedness
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
