mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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