My room smells like vodka and shame
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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