I could make wine with my vomit
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
