This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize