I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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