census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
