just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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