My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm too high and old for this...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
