Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
