listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I could fuck to npr.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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