I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
