we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize