my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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