I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
