That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize