I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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