His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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