never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
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