tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
