if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
My vagina just recognized that song.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
