I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
