im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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