When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
