party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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