I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize