cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
